I'm at the mercy of my moods. I'm also at the mercy of Alpha. The two are unfortunately not always in sync. He has said before that He doesn't want to always have to Take what He wants. Sometimes I need to give willingly just because I want to please Him. I understand that and it makes sense. I love when He is pleased with me so why is it often to difficult for me to willingly volunteer for something without being told? Maybe it's because what gets me off is being commanded and Dominated, maybe it's because I'm a little bit selfish, maybe it's because I'm a little bit lazy and I just don't want to sometimes.
Things used to be different. So very different on so many levels. We were close, but nothing like we are now. I used to hate sex. I would just kind of detach from myself and lie there on the rare occasions that we actually did it. It hurt and I really thought there was something wrong with me. It wasn't until I was pregnant with our first child that anyone in the medical field suggested that it had more to do with my head than my body. It sounds cliche, but your brain really is the biggest sex organ (for all those men out there who swear it's their dicks, I promise you it is not). And that leads us to my favorite thing about D/s--The mental aspects. Don't get me wrong, the physical things are awesome and are often quite entwined with the mental results, but it's the things that happen in my mind that make the experience what it is. Something happened when we first began exploring ttwd. The biggest thing was honesty. It got to the point where I couldn't handle Alpha Not knowing everything. I couldn't go down into space, I couldn't think clearly, all my cards had to be on the table in order for me to be able to function at all. And it scared the everliving shit out of me. Still does sometimes. But I have learned and seen a lot under the harsh light of truth--mainly that as long as it's real and true, he will love me no matter what. He accepts me for what I am even as what I am changes and evolves. I can admit any fantasy and He won't judge me, I can tell Him my fears and my dreams, I can lay my doubts and imperfections on the table, and He will still be there. He will still own me. He will still Dominate me. He will still want me to be His forever.
I am grateful. I am grateful that He won't let me get away with any shit, that I can sit at His feet and tell Him anything, that He loves my body and my mind, that He was willing to explore ttwd and somehow became damn good at it. I love that He takes care of me when I am sick, punishes me when I am bad, values my opinions, and challenges me to be better. I love that He is rough and gentle, kind and a little bit cruel. I love what we have become.
This morning I did something unusual for me. Actually, it may have only happened a couple of times during all these years. I went back to bed for morning sex without being told to. It sounds small and silly, but I really don't like morning sex and am usually dragging my feet and trying really hard not to bitch to much about it when the occasion arises. So why this morning? Because I wanted Him to be happy. Because we have been a bit out of sorts and I was due a punishment for my recent behavior. It didn't happen last night. I didn't feel good and had passed out on the couch by 9:00 I think. And He woke me up and sent me to bed instead of punishing me. So, I volunteered morning sex. Not because I was trying to avoid getting the punishment today, not because I think it's not still coming and I'm going to get out of it. But because in a way punishment usually gets us back on track unless I really don't feel good in which case I just end up deeply resenting it. And something had to get us back in sync. I wanted Him to be happy and I am thankful for the fact that He will take how I'm doing into consideration when it comes to Dominating me. I suppose there are people out there who would equate that with weakness and perhaps at one time, I might have as well. But He has shown me different. Sometimes there is more strength when control, and sadism, and Dominance are tempered with tenderness. He does not allow my whims to decide our direction or my moods to control His desires. And I don't think that He should.
I am grateful for everything that we have become.